Tobogganing on Parnassus by Adams, Franklin P., 1881-1960

If a man asserts that So-and-So is beautiful or sweet, He is daffy on the proposition, Girl; If he's weary in the evening and he keeps his subway seat, He's immediately branded as a churl.

If he buys a friend a rickey not for any special cause, He is captain of the lush-and-spendthrift squad; If, before he spends a million, he will think a bit and pause, There's a popular impression he's a wad.

If a man attends to business and looks to every chance, He is mercenary, money-mad, and coarse; If he thinks of art and letters more than personal finance, He is lacking in ambition and in force.

If a man but bats his consort oh-so-gently on the head, If he throttles her a little round the neck, He's a brute; if he's considerately conjugal instead, Everybody calls him Mr. Henry Peck.

Lowers Scylla--frowns Charybdis--and the bark is like to sink-- This the symbolistic moral of my rhyme-- If Opinion trims your sails and if you care what people think You will have a most unhappy sort of time.

An Election Night Pantoum

Gaze at the good-natured crowd, List to the noise and the rattle! Heavens! that woman is loud-- Loud as the din of a battle.

List to the noise and the rattle! Hark to the honk of the horn Loud as the din of a battle! There! My new overcoat's torn!

Hark to the honk of the horn! Cut out that throwing confetti! There! My new overcoat's torn-- Looks like a shred of spaghetti.

Cut out that throwing confetti! Look at the gentleman, stewed; Looks like a shred of spaghetti-- Don't get so terribly rude!

Look at the gentleman, stewed! Look at the glare of the rocket! Don't get so terribly rude, Keep your hand out of my pocket!

Look at the glare of the rocket! Take that thing out of my face! Keep your hand out of my pocket! This is a shame and disgrace.

Take that thing out of my face! Curse you! Be decent to ladies! This is a shame and disgrace, Worse than traditions of Hades.

Curse you! Be decent to ladies! (Heavens! that woman is loud.) Worse than traditions of Hades Gaze at the "good-natured" crowd!

I Cannot Pay That Premium

Beside a frugal table, though spotless clean and white, A loving couple they did sit and all seemed pleasant, quite; They did not have no servant the things away to take, For he was but a broker who much money did not make.

He lit a fifty-cent cigar and then his wife did say: "Your life insurance it will lapse if it you do not pay." He turned from her in sorrow, for breaking was his heart, And in a mezzo barytone to her did say, in part:

CHORUS:

"I cannot pay that premium, I'll have to let it go; It fills me with remorse and sorrow, not to mention woe. Though I'm quite strong and healthy, and will outlive you, perhaps, I cannot pay that premium; I'll have to let it lapse."

The wife she naught did answer, for it cut her to the quick; She washed the dishes, filled the lamp, and likewise trimmed the wick; She took in washing the next day and played bridge whist all night, Until she had enough to pay her husband's premium, quite.