Tobogganing on Parnassus by Adams, Franklin P., 1881-1960

If automobiles always ran As advertised in catalogues; If tramps were not afraid of dogs; If servants never left; If comic songs would always scan; If Alfred Austin were sublime; If poetry would always rhyme; If authors all were deft--

If office boys were not all cranks On base-ball; if the selling price Of meat and coal and eggs and ice Would stop its mad increase; If women started saying "Thanks" When men gave up their seats in cars; If there were none but good cigars, And better yet police--

If there were no such thing as booze; If wifey's mother never came To visit; if a foot-ball game Were mild and harmless sport; If all the Presidential news Were colourless; if there were men At every mountain, sea-side, glen, River and lake resort--

If every girl were fair of face; If women did not fear to get Their suits for so-called bathing wet-- If all these things were true, This earth would be a pleasant place. But where would people get their laughs? And whence would spring the paragraphs? And what would jokers do?

The Simple Stuff

AD PUERUM

Horace: Book I, Ode 32.

"_Persicos odi, puer, apparatus_."

Nix on the Persian pretence! Myrtle for Quintus H. Flaccus! Wreaths of the linden tree, hence! Nix on the Persian pretence! Waiter, here's seventy cents-- Come, let me celebrate Bacchus! Nix on the Persian pretence! Myrtle for Quintus H. Flaccus.

"Carpe Diem," or Cop the Day

AD LEUCONOEN

Horace: Book I, Ode 13.

_"Tu ne quoesieris, scire nefas--"_

It is not right for you to know, so do not ask, Leuconoe, How long a life the gods may give or ever we are gone away; Try not to read the Final Page, the ending colophonian, Trust not the gypsy's tea-leaves, nor the prophets Babylonian. Better to have what is to come enshrouded in obscurity Than to be certain of the sort and length of our futurity. Why, even as I monologue on wisdom and longevity How Time has flown! Spear some of it! The longest life is brevity.

That For Money!

AD C. SALLUSTIUM CRISPUM

Horace: Book II, Ode 2

_"Nellus argento color est avaris."_

Sallust, I know you of old, How you hate the sight of gold-- "Idle ingots that encumber Mother Earth"--I've got your number.

Why is Proculeius known From Elmira to Malone? For his money? Don't upset me! For his love of folks--you get me?

Choke the Rockefeller yen For the clink of iron men! Happiness it will not mint us, Take it from your Uncle Quintus.

Fancy food and wealthy drink Raise Gehenna with a gink; Pastry, terrapin, and cheeses Bring on gout and swell diseases.

Phraates upon the throne Old King Cyrus used to own Fails to hoodwink or deceive me, Cyrus was some king, believe me!

Get me right: a man's-size prince Knows that money is a quince. When they see the Yellow Taffy, Reg'lar Princes don't go daffy.

Xanthias Jollied

AD XANTHIAM PHOCEUM

Horace: Book II, Ode 4.

_"Ne sit ancillae tibi amor pudori."_

Nay, Xanthias, feel unashamed That she you love is but a servant. Remember, lovers far more famed Were just as fervent.

Achilles loved the pretty slave Briseis for her fair complexion; And to Tecmessa Ajax gave His young affection.

Why, Agamemnon at the height Of feasting, triumph, and anointment, Left everything to keep, one night, A small appointment.